I’m sitting in the middle of this domestic cuteness sporting a sweet hangover from my Temecula Wine Tours the day before (but that’s a whole other story). I, of course, am the only one who doesn’t fit.

There are three requirements to fit into this crowd:

(1) You must possess a significant other: preferably a spouse or future spouse.

(2) You need to drag along a small mammal of some sort: preferably of the mini-human variety.

(3) You must be capable of making small talk: preferably about something cute one of the mini-me’s did.

I checked my score card and I’m flunking big time! Since I’ve been banished as an outsider, I decide to hijack the hammock in the corner and sway myself into oblivion for the next hour or so.

Fast forward to the end of the party… about 6 hours, three bottles of tequila and 4 cases of beer later.

Most of the Moms and Mini-Me’s have vacated the premises and are supposedly tucked up in their beds fast asleep. That leaves me, my sister, all the dads and a couple of straggler kids that won’t get out of the damn pool.

The fella’s are toasted, absolutely wasted. But damn did they have a great time. They were definitely going to wake up in the morning with bruises, it was quite entertaining. I’m pretty sure one won’t be physically able to spawn any more kids.

Fortunately quite a few of us live in the same block, and since my house is the last one on the block I get drafted into escorting two of the fools home, no cars so we are hoofing it.

Being the wonderful sister that I am, I head to the kitchen to wash the dishes before we go. (Please note this causes much confusion with the drunken fools, since they’ve rarely seen me wash dishes before) The birthday boy is the first to comment on my new found domesticity followed closely by my brother who flings his arms around me in a bear hug slurring something about how much he loves me. I shoo them off to clean up the pool toys, secretly hoping one of them will fall in.

A few moments later I get a poke in the side… expecting my brother, my arms go up to kung-foo chop him in his little beer belly… it’s not my brother. It’s Mr. Vegas. Freshly married Mr. Vegas. The father of a new one year old with his 2^nd wife. Oh yeah 2 of the pool kids are his twins with his 1^st wife and the other 2 pool kids are his new step kids. Yep add ‘em up, he’s the father of 5 now!

I give Mr. Vegas a smile and go back to washing the dishes. “Why didn’t you say hi to me today” he slurs into my ear. “Because you were busy having fun” I reply while looking around to see where his wife is. The last thing I need is this jackass’s wife to see him invading my personal space. We already have a history that I don’t think she knows about and I’d like to keep it that way. I know he’s just drunk so I shrug him off and he walks away.

The fella’s have mostly finished cleaning up and on the way out I get a few cheek kisses as farewells which of course I reciprocated. Mr. Vegas gets in line too. Awkward. Being the non-confrontationist that I am, I go through with the “friendly” kisses.  How could I avoid them without looking suspicious? After the last of the guys says goodbye and turns the corner the asshole comes back for seconds! Damn it, my brother walks up behind him so I have to kiss him again!

I finish the dishes and clean up ready to carry my charges home to their, irate by now, wives. Before I can make it out of the kitchen, Mr. Vegas is back “Why don’t you ever call me anymore? I miss you”

I just laugh at him. He just keeps looking at me expectantly. Apparently he’s serious.

There are so many things I could have said at this point (EDITED OUT FOR FOUL LANGUAGE)… but I didn’t mostly because someone could walk in any second and he was drunk and talking loud. I have enough drama in my life. So I did what I do best… I turned on my heel and ran away as fast as I could.

You should have seen me dragging two large drunk men down the street at full speed. There was much tripping and shouting and at some point I realized that one of my charges was carrying a bag full of glass.

Apparently he had decided that he would start recycling in the middle of the party.

You  gotta love him!

This is by no means the end of my night… you’ve got to hear what happened when we finally got his ass home.

So we were chitchatting and I ended up talking about Mr Oakland and about the last time I had seen him: Mr Oakland caught up with me at my friends party and we proceeded to do the obnoxious Kissy-Face thing at the bar FOR TWO HOURS (even I was disgusted with myself) while ignoring all my friends around us. My Sisters date actually said that I must be “Socially Awkward” (Cause I’d rather kiss him than talk!)

So, what else would I do but leave him at the bar by running out chanting “I don’t want to be THAT girl.” I know… I know… What the heck was I thinking, I obviously AM that girl! I actually left him, lipstick still smeared on his lips… at the bar with a $20 for my drinks slapped into his hand. I assumed I’d never hear from him again.

Who knew men would put up with that crap? He called everyday for a week!

Apparently Boy-Toy did. He told me that all guys have a 100 questions that they ask every girl. Once they’ve gotten their answers, they’ll put up with a lot (including a very odd chase) if they like the answers.

What questions are on this list?

Can I get a Cheat Sheet? I hate tests.

And is it a pass or fail thing or do guys grade on a curve?

To celebrate my sister’s birthday this year, we decided rent a limo for a night on the town. We were going to live large and buy a table somewhere marvelous where we could flirt with all the hot guys. My job was to book the Limo and she would book the venue. We were going to PARTY!

So after I made my poor little Visa squeal in anguish over the 5 hour fee, I hung up my cell and headed over to my sisters room to see what stylish club we’d be heading to…

She had booked us at “The Abbey” in West Hollywood.

The Abbey is beautiful, stylish, serves the most delicious martinis, and is always crowded with handsome men… They just happen to be Gay.

I should have known.

So now instead of flirting with guys, we’d be dodging girls in the restroom line! What’s a girl to do, but go with the flow and have a great time.

We had a fabulous time!

My sister and I got all dolled up in our finest, even heading to MAC to get our makeup done.  Then we went all out and wore fake eyelashes. That was interesting; it felt like something was crawling on my face whenever I blinked. But they looked good in the photos.

To start the night, my sister polished off a bottle of chardonnay on the way to pick everybody up. A couple of cocktails on the way to the bar and I’m still surprised she could even get out of the car! My poor visa card kept twitching in my purse because of the $500 cleaning fee if she puked in the limo. I was sorely tempted to make her drive around with her head out the window just in case. I’m a bad sister huh?

When you reserve a table at The Abbey you are actually reserving an alcove with a booth/bed covered in plush pillows surrounded with candlelight tucked into the back of the bar.

My sister ordered some appetizers and drinks and then promptly fell asleep.

Not a good idea when the rest of us are downing martinis like water… You should see the pictures!

We took pictures of her sleeping, then we put her cake on her butt, then we all took photos of us draped over her. The more we drink the more risqué the photos. I’m sure you can imagine.  She doesn’t remember taking any of them. They will haunt her forever. <insert evil laughter here>

The best part about going out partying with gay guys is that you get all the perks…

You get wined and dined, they treat you like a princess and they don’t expect you to put out! But they may try to cop-a-feel, our guys love breasts! Go Figure?

Sounds good huh?

Well it did start off easy, I stayed at home and got back to work on my wonderfully cheesy romance novel (I just want my name on a book and I have a deep dark love of cheesy romance) I actually finished some really interesting chapters before LIFE began texting me. First I realized that all my friends have birthdays in March and April (including a couple of my sisters) So my calender started filling up with parties.

Its actually not that easy to take a break from life, especially when Life has you on speed dial.

So I’m back a little less than fresh with half a novel written and some mildly funny tales to tell….

Life is Good!

My best friend “Asian Persuasion” turned 30 on Saturday so along with 24 of her closest friends, we took her out for a night on the town. Normally “AP” isn’t a big drinker in fact I haven’t ever seen her drunk before. It just wasn’t fair, she’s seen me at my worst! So we had a mission… “AP” was getting toasted!

It started with dinner at a Japanese teppan restaurant. At first the chefs were mildly entertaining, flipping spatulas and flinging shrimp but once the sake bombs started flowing the girls got crazy and by the end of the meal one of our chefs was pole dancing! Good start to the night!

Actually that was pretty much the only part of the night “AP” remembers!

By the time we got to club she was already walking a little to the left.

Three oatmeal cookie shots later and she was barely standing up!

So there we are in the middle of the dance floor, shaking our groove thang, when she grabs my arm and shouts “I have to Pee!” then she proceeds to pour her drink down my leg!

That’s my luck… So I give my leg a little shake hoping to fling off as much Vodka as I can onto the Hoochy Mama dancing behind me and I start dragging her to the bathroom. I try to steer her left but she’s adamant that the bathrooms to the right. Thank God I was there or she probably would of pee’d on someone’s coat! So I literally have to turn her around and shove her in the other direction.

Here’s where she slips into “Drunk Girl Speak” That special language only other girls understand but includes a lot of “LOVE!” So, she’s telling me how much she loves me all the way to the bathroom but she’s saying it while facing numerous random men, many of whom actually think she’s talking to them. A few of them return her declarations of affection so I have to elbow them out of the way!

When we finally get to the bathroom she clings to my arm for support and shouts “You Have to Stay with me K? I’m so glad you’re here I Love You! Um (insert Hiccup) If I don’t come back out, you have to come in and make sure I pull up my pants K?”

(This tale ends with her throwing up on the floor of the restroom and along every wall on the way out of the club! Ahhh the Memories!)

The thought I can’t get out of my head though is… I wonder if she ever actually walked out of a bathroom without her pants before?

Maybe I’d find Mr. Right among the Slots? It was highly unlikely but it was fun looking!

Just because the last time I flew somewhere I ended up sitting next to a Hot guy who asked for my number (AKA Mr. Oakland: Read this to catch up!). I actually got all dolled up to go to the airport! I’m sure I looked so California! (At least I didn’t bust out the spiked heels right?)

No Luck on the plane but I still had high hopes for the weekend.

It was actually a Sister trip. Two of my Wicked Sisters, the Bro-in-Law, my two nieces and my sister’s friend. For our Fancy-Schmanzy Valentines dinner we went to NobHill at the MGM Grand. Let me tell you the Cable Car Martini was to die for! I’m drooling just thinking about it!

My poor Bro-In-Law was surrounded by women. Just to keep his macho side in evidence he ordered a $200 steak… It was worth every penny (He even let us all sample… probably $20 a bite). Since my sister and bro-in-law are VIP at the MGM me and my other sister get to ride on their coat-tails. We got free tickets to “Crazy Horse Paris” and VIP entrance to Studio 54 one night and Tabu the next.

Umm the “Crazy Horse Paris” is a burlesque show which I thought would be like “Folies Bergere’” but was more stripping and less show. Lets just say it wasn’t the type of show to see with your sister! We walked out half way through, much to the disappointment of the arab couple seated across from us who get a little too friendly when they found out we were sisters.

We ended up hanging out at the Bar across from Tabu for some drinks. There was a big fight one night and I kept running into trainers the day before in the elevators. Who knew boxing trainers were so cute? Anyways when we got to the bar the fight had just finished and there was an endless parade heading out of the casino. So we sat back and enjoyed some serious people watching… unfortunately the people were watching back! I had two weird guys hit on me (One was a senior the other was just odd) My sister was killing me cause she kept taking pictures of them and then they’d kiss my cheek! Then my hand! Then ask for my number! Eek!

The best part was when a group of college types walked by, four guys and their girls.

The drunkest guy stopped and looked down my shirt…

Pointed to my chest (while leaning heavily on his girl)…

And shouted “BOOBIES!”

My Life in Six Words…

So I was reading some blogs and I found one I just had to carry on…

Idea Borrowed from Kat Wilder Blog

{ http://blogs.marinij.com/katwilder/2008/02/your_life_lite_1.html#more}Inspired by Hemingway’s famous six word story:

“For sale: baby shoes, never worn” (I’m an optimist: I think they just had a big baby & the shoes were too small!)

There’s a book of them “Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure,” by journalist Larry Smith.

Here’s how some have stripped their life to six-word bareness:

*** Add Your Own, Remember only 6 words! ***

1. Integrity in life and in love

2. Learning, living, loving…is there more? (Exception)

3. Dreamed of endless love. Awoke alone.

4. Never finished anything, except a cake.

5. Lived in moment until moment sucked.

6. Boyfriend in bed, still a lesbian?

7. Eight thousand orgasms. Only one baby.

8. Found true love, married someone else

9. Saw high road; from one below. (Geo)

10. Took step forward; sorry wrong path. (Geo)

11. Felt it. Lived it. Lost it. (Geo)

12. I took another road. Walking alone. (Geo)

13. Just under the surface; Life thrives! (Geo)

14. Lived big. Went home. Happy now. (Pam)

15. Well I thought it was funny! (Craig F)

16. Gives good advice, rarely follows it. (Kat)

17. Stopped to smell roses; still smelling. (Kat)

18. Still dreams and hopes, despite everything. (Kat)

19. Still crazy after all these years (Edgar)

***Here are my ideas, I couldn’t pick the best one though!***

20. Scared to fail, so didn’t try. (Cindy)

21. Kissed some frogs, No Prince Yet (Cindy)

22. Lots of Mistakes, Lots of Fun (Cindy)

23. Shouldn’t have but glad I did (Cindy) Nikki thinks this one is the most me!

24. Live Laugh Love and Regret Nothing (Nikki)

25. It ain’t Over, till it’s Over! (Nikki)

I’m sitting here trying to talk myself into calling Mr Marine!

I can’t do it, I feel stupid and I don’t know why?

Then I think Ok call Penpal… Nope can’t call him either without breaking into a sweat!

Sheesh there’s always Mr Oakland…. Um No not gonna happen!

I Hate Phones!

They were my weekend.

I actually spent my entire weekend sitting on my butt at the Theatre!

First I took my Mom to the Laguna Playhouse to see a play called “Tranced.” It was about something terrible that happened in Africa. It was supposed to be deep and intellectual but the story sucked at the end, you find out she’s lying… Not a good ending. Wasted 2 hours of my life.

So we drive back Huntington Beach and pick up my little sister and head off to see “Hairspray!” Actually, a very good Musical. Highly entertaining even though I’ve now seen both movie versions and knew the funny parts by heart. Ohh and we were sitting in the nosebleed section.

Somewhere between the two shows, we ended up downing a bottle of wine… So what do I do?

Start buzzed texting again… Why? Oh… Why? Somebody please stop me when I have a drink and a cell phone at the same time. Its never, ever a good thing!

Poor Penpal got it this time. I send him some random texts about nothing important, but he never writes back.

I should now be awarded the “Most Melodramatic” Oscar….

Here was my thought process… I know I have a couple screws loose!

“Uh Oh? Is he mad at me because I attacked him the last time I saw him?”

(It has only been an hour or so since I had texted him)

“But he’s the one who asked to kiss me!”

(We have sent a couple little texts since then, it’s not really a big deal)

“OMG! I bet he’s dating that girl now and he’s never going to talk to me again!”

I have now sunk into despair and was completely convinced that I was never going to hear from him again… So I pick up the cell phone and send him this text (Please Have my Oscar Ready):

Dearest “PenPal”,

Uh Oh! You probably want me to go away now huh? I’m so sorry for everything, Goodbye!

Sometimes my idiocy surprises even me! Why the Drama? What the heck was I thinking? I’m sure Penpal was sitting there thinking:“Um, Ok that was weird, were we dating or something?”

I think I have a bigger crush on Penpal than I previously thought?

It only shows itself when I drink though!

Luckily, I spent the next night drooling over Aaron Lewis the singer from Staind! My Sis & I drove to Pechanga to see his Solo Acoustic Concert. He was Phenomenal! It was worth driving through the monsoon and walking thru ankle deep puddles to get there.

I’m in Luv! But he’s Married.

That’s my Luck!

P/S

Penpal texted me back on Monday… I was at the river, no signal, whats up?

As if my humiliation wasn’t complete when I practically molested him at the club I think he may have forgotten it all and then I sent that dumb text! Uggg, I disgust myself!

“Oh, I thought you were busy?” I replied.

He says: “I was waiting for you!” hmm interesting?

“So are you gonna come on Tuesday to say goodbye?”

I had no clue what he was talking about. He then tells me that he was promoted and he’ll be working at the turtle ridge branch now. As we finish up he says he’ll call me.

All Weekend: NOTHING!

So I purposely don’t go to the bank on Tuesday and I wait until Wednesday. Guess who’s still there? So He makes sure I get his window and We chitchat like normal, He even hands me his Congrats/Goodbye card to read while he works. (Lots of Girls signed that card! And there seems to be mostly men working at this bank I’ve only seen 3 or 4 girls… He’s Loved) So when he finishes up, He says goodbye and I congratulate him and wish him luck at his new bank… As I start to walk away: “I’ll call you tonight!”

I’m thinking…. Ya Right… Whatever….

Guess What?

He Called!

(He didn’t lose my number from 2 weeks ago!)

I missed the call because I was in the shower!